Dear Los Angeles Lakers: Do Not Draft Lonzo Ball And Father LaVar

No Comments May 13, 2017 Lakers By Vincent Morales

Last week, Lakers president, Magic Johnson told ESPN that he is highly considering selecting UCLA’s Lonzo Ball should the Lakers maintain their top-three draft pick.

Despite all of the bluster, nonsense and outrageous claims and demands coming nonstop since January out of the mouth of Lonzo Ball’s father, LaVar, Magic doesn’t believe the older Ball’s extreme antics will be a distraction or hurt Lonzo’s chances in the draft.

What’s Up With Magic?

Either Magic has more patience than Job, poor hearing or he’s playing mind games with the rest of the league by trying to pump up Ball’s value in a possible trade for the Lakers’ potential pick.

The draft lottery order will be established on Tuesday, May 16.

That’s when we will learn the fate of the Lakers’ pick. It has a 46.9% chance of staying in the top three (15.6% chance of No.1, 15.7% chance of No 2 and 15.6% chance of No. 3).

The odds indicate that the Lakers will lose their first round draft pick (53.1% chance of dropping and out of the top three, thus being lost to Philadelphia).

But as a Lakers’ fan, I’m not taking any chances and I wrote a passionate letter to Magic and Lakers’ GM Rob Pelinka.

Passionate Plea

Dear Magic and Rob,

As a lifelong Lakers fan I would like to respectfully request that, if we are lucky enough to keep our top-three protected draft pick in the 2017 NBA Draft, you DO NOT select Lonzo Ball.

Markelle Fultz of Washington, Josh Jackson of Kansas, Malik Monk or De’Aaron Fox of Kentucky, or Jayson Tatum of Duke are all better choices than Lonzo Ball. And none come with overbearing and delusional helicopter fathers.

Although Lonzo may have heaps of talent that warrant a top three selection, he also has an asshat* for a father.

(* If you are unfamiliar with the term asshat, it means a dumb and boorish loudmouth with his head so far up his tuchus it seems he’s wearing his ass for a hat. If you’re unfamiliar with the word “tuchus” then: a) you don’t get out much in Los Angeles or b) you need to consult a Yiddish to English dictionary.)

Bad Blood

With LaVar Ball as his father, that makes Lonzo at least half an asshat by blood.

I’m not 100% sure about his mom, Tina; she may be part asshat too. The greatest evidence there being that she actually married the loutish and loud LaVar in the first place. Pretty dumb right? But, let’s just say Lonzo is 50% asshat at least. Asshats rarely turn out to be great players. Don’t draft an asshat.

Also, just last month LaVar had this to say to the OC Register about white basketball players: “Realistically you can’t win no championship with three white guys because the foot speed is too slow.”

As you know, Lonzo’s mom, although a very talented basketball player in her day, is white. Using LaVar’s own logic, his son Lonzo must be half too slow. You shouldn’t be drafting a slow guy because he won’t help the Lakers win no championships. That’s logical, despite being a double negative.

Another red flag is that Lonzo’s dad is a practitioner of selective breeding.

Logical (?) LaVar

LaVar Ball said this: “We’ve put this together from a while ago, from me picking out my wife. I see this tall girl, very attractive, walking down a hallway and I go, ‘I don’t know what we’re going to do, but we’re gonna be doing something!’

“I had a lot of little cute shorties but there wasn’t anybody tall and like a stallion like she (Lonzo’s mom, Tina Ball) was. Once that was in her head, I had her. I picked a big girl who was beautiful. big stallion!”

Tina Ball remembers her first meeting with LaVar like this: “When we met, he told me we’re going to get married and have boys because he only makes boys, of course.”

Selective breeding, or eugenics, was an ugly facet of a certain 20^th century fascist regime led by one of the all-time leading asshats in the history of the world. Do I even need to mention his name? OK, yes, I’m talking about Hitler.

Among other atrocious beliefs, Hitler was all about selective breeding. Don’t draft a guy whose dad practices eugenics like Hitler did. You don’t want any potential Nazis on your squad. Nazis are bad for team chemistry.

(Note: I’m pretty sure Hitler attended the UCLA extension in Berlin. So, there’s that connection also. Though don’t quote me; I haven’t officially fact-checked that just yet.)

Even The President?

Let me point out a few more comparisons between Lonzo’s dad and another more modern, delusional totalitarian asshat: Donald Trump.

During the 2016 presidential campaign, Trump claimed, “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I tell you that.”

During his son’s run to the NCAA Tournament, LaVar wildly proclaimed, ““I’m going to tell you right now, he’s better than Steph Curry to me. Put Steph Curry on UCLA’s team right now and put my boy on Golden State and watch what happens.”

Trump once made this unsubstantiated claim: “My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”

LaVar told USA Today, “Back in my heyday, I would kill Michael Jordan one-on-one.’’

Cost Comparison: Wall vs Shoes!

About a border wall that he insisted he could build for about $4 billion (while government reports estimate the cost at more like $21 billion), Trump boasted: “I will build a great wall — and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me –and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”

About a shoe deal for his basketball playing sons, LaVar insanely demanded this in an article published in USA Today: “A billion dollars, it has to be there. That’s our number, a billion, straight out of the gate. And you don’t even have to give it to me all up front. Give us $100 million a year.”

No word yet on whether LaVar intends to make Mexico pay for Lonzo’s shoe contract.

I don’t think I need to point out the extreme delusion, ignorance and grand asshattery behind these buffoonish statements from Trump and LaVar Ball.

Lonzo Shouldn’t Pay

I know that it isn’t always fair to make the son pay for the sins of the father, but have you seen the kind of weasel asshat boys Trump raised?

Lonzo may keep his mouth shut and just play once he’s in the NBA, but his oafish father never will.

Trump was born on third base and thought he had hit a triple. LaVar averaged 2 PPG in college, sired three talented basketball playing sons and thinks he knows all about hoops.

I think we see what direction the country is headed and also where this whole NBA thing is going with LaVar and Lonzo.

You draft one and you get both. And that’s a crummier two for one deal than the $495 the Balls are charging for a pair of Lonzo’s ugly shoes.

So, Rob and Magic, please don’t draft Lonzo Ball. It won’t make the Lakers great again.

Sincerely ,

V. Morales

THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED IN THIS ARTICLE ARE THOSE OF THE WRITER AND NOT NECESSARILY THOSE OF SOCAL SPORTS REPORT.COM.

image: Richard Mackson-USA TODAY Sports – sbnation.com

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Vincent Morales

Vincent Morales graduated from the University of Southern California, School of Journalism and was the associate sports director at the student-run radio station where he was a play-by-play announcer and color commentator for hundreds of USC sporting events including two Rose Bowls and the inaugural conference basketball tournament.

Recently, Morales was the marketing manager and publicist for a world-renowned sports artist and was instrumental in securing and maintaining deals for the artist to work with Stephen Curry, Aaron Rodgers, Derek Jeter, Floyd Mayweather, Mayweather Promotions, the Topps Company, Steiner Sports, and Fanatics Authentic, among many others.

Morales is a lifelong resident of southern California.