“Failure To Launch”? Not The Script Chip Kelly Hopes To Write At UCLA!
If UCLA football was giving a Hollywood spin the title would have to be, “Failure To Launch.”
Matthew McConaughey as Rick Neuheisel would be type-casting.
Where Is The Gourmet Menu?
There remains the opinion among UCLA fans that their program is a Hollywood A-lister, along with Oklahoma, Alabama, Ohio State, USC and all the other first class passengers.
The Bruins, meanwhile, have a permanent seat in coach where they munch on peanuts.
UCLA last went to the Rose Bowl in the 1998 season. Since then, the program has a 128-110 record.
Texas Tech is 138-93 over that same period of time. No one suggests the Red Raiders belong on college football’s Mt. Rushmore.
Quite The Leading Man
Which is why Chip Kelly is an intriguing hire. The Bruins don’t usually end up with such a matinee idol as coach.
It’s a reason why they will play under an interim coach in a bottom-feeder bowl game for the fourth time since 2002.
The Cactus Bowl, where UCLA plays Kansas State, underscores the prickly situation in Westwood.
The Bruins fans want their team cast in a leading role, but mostly end up wandering around the desert.
Solid Credentials
Kelly certainly has the resume to change that.
He was 46-7 in four seasons at Oregon. He took the Ducks to two Rose Bowls (2010, 2012) and the 2011 national championship game.
UCLA officials are paying him $23.3 over the next five years to duplicate that success.
UCLA, though, is a greater challenge. Kelly inherited a 10-win team at Oregon. Nike founder and sugar daddy Phil Knight was a phone call away.
The Ducks were pioneers with the spread offensive. He appealed to recruits with that up-tempo style, as well as a closet full of gaudy outfits that rivaled Liberace both in number and sequin-y glare.
The House That Wasserman Built
Kelly has been handed the keys to a brand-spanking new football house in Westwood.
UCLA’s $280-million deal with Under Armor stuffed the coffers, so much so that Athletic Director Dan Guerrero could write a $12-million check to rid himself of Coach Jim Mora.
But every big program has a football house these day, and UCLA’s digs have a Glendale-look when compared to the Beverly Hills accommodations in Eugene. As for sneaker money, it is only as good as those who spend it.
Image Transplant
What Kelly has to overcome is the culture that hangs around the UCLA like smog over Beijing. The Bruins just don’t act like winners.
Nothing demonstrated the frustrating way UCLA does business than 2007, when new goal posts were purchased for the practice field. They remained in a warehouse for months awaiting committee approval.
It’s hard to imagine Oregon officials waiting to see if new goal posts would harm the Spotted Owl before erecting a couple goal posts.
UCLA remains a wad of red tape. Mora tried to circumvent it.
Mora Danced To The Beat Of His Own Drum
When he wanted to paint the storage sheds at Spaulding Field black, he was told he couldn’t because black wasn’t the team’s colors. He did it anyway.
When he wanted to put a flag pole at Spaulding Field, he was told he couldn’t because the university could only have one flag pole. He did it anyway.
But that type of rebellion comes with a price.
The DNA that allowed Mora moments of defiance was also part of a personality that eventually alienated people, including UCLA officials.
When Mora stopped beating USC, the bandwagon emptied.
Kelly Needs To Turn The Tide Against Troy
Kelly has carte blanche at the moment, but a few losses to the Trojans and some bargain basement bowl games will likely cause the weathervane to spin.
He has to move quickly as UCLA has never seemed all-in with football.
Red Sanders created a strong program in 1950s, and even won a share of the national championship in 1954. When he died, so did the Bruins on the national level.
The resurrection came when Tommy Prothro arrived in town and created a bit of a stir.
O.J., Oh My!
That ended when O.J.Simpson took a stroll in 1967.
The Bruins had been to back-to-back conferences championships, they had Heisman Trophy winner Gary Beban at quarterback and they were in the national title hunt. Simpson’s touchdown run flipped the script.
Mediocrity took hold. There have been moments of potential.
Close But No Cigar
Dick Vermeil took the Bruins to the Rose Bowl and then ran like hell to the NFL.
Terry Donahue won three Rose Bowls in the 1980s, but could never quite climb the mountain.
Bob Toledo nearly got to the top in 1998, and the Bruins would have been in the national championship game had they only figured out how to tackle Miami’s Edgerrin James.
Then USC brought the prom king to town and the Bruins were back to being chairman of the decoration committee.
Carroll Catostrophe
Pete Carroll made UCLA irrelevant and that was reflected in the hires.
Under Karl Dorrell, the program foundered. Sure, Carroll cast a large shadow from across town, but Dorrell’s recruiting judgement was questionable.
He decided Reggie Bush was too one-dimensional and told Toby Gerhart he wouldn’t be allowed to play baseball at UCLA.
They went to USC and Stanford leaving Dorrell looking like the captain of the Titanic.
Under Neuheisel, the Bruins flopped.
It was like watching a traveling Hungarian circus — three acrobats and a gypsy fortune teller. Sure, it was entertaining for a time, but very limited.
He brought in talent, but didn’t seem to know what to do with it. Captain Queeg had more control of the Caine.
Crippling Penalties Helped Mora
Under Mora, the Bruins got close. It helped that USC was burdened by NCAA sanctions, but there was some buzz after three consecutive victories over the Trojans.
But he couldn’t beat Stanford and waited too long to beat Oregon.
There seemed to be a change in the players he brought in. Too many guys lacked team-first personalities. Still, Mora went about battling white whales Ahab-style (call me Ishmael Adams?).
On The Right Track?
Kelly could right the ship.
His Oregon teams were innovated and entertaining.
He coached in state devoid of elite talent, but was able to lure top players to Eugene, even if it did cause him problems with the NCAA.
Now he sets up shop in one of the most fertile recruiting areas in the country.
Free Hand!
Guerrero, who has failed on three previous football hires, will certainly allow Kelly room to maneuver. The admission standards were a little looser under Mora and that trend could continue.
The Pac-12 is in flux, especially in the South Division. USC is conference champions but the Trojans are not quite at the level their fans expect, at least not yet.
Kelly could make the Bruins worthy of a Hollywood red carpet if he can get UCLA to stop acting like UCLA.
If not, the Bruins will continue to be another cookie McConaughey comedy.
Image: Josh Lefkowitz/Getty Images
Chris Foster
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